I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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