yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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