she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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