Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
