Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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