who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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