you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
