words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
