I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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