Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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