You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
