There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
