saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
