Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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