Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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