I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
