I wish I only lived at night.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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