You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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