I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
