all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You were trust falling into bushes
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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