i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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