Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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