Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
