That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She's the barista slut.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
