so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
