I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize