Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
