So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
