WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
