he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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