sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
