Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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