We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
