I just gift wrapped bread.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
