So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
