For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
