I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
