While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
