I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
