Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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