Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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