Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
