the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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