When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
As shirtless as possible
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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