i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
