So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
