the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
