I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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