so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
