And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
