if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
