hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
