I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
