why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
