I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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