my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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