Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
