i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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