you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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