i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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