Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
