i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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