Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
