I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
