I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
a search helicopter?!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
