i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
